Cutting to the chase in an argument

Having an argument with your spouse or partner is never pleasant, but most of us don't know how to put the discussion on a productive track. Here are four statements/questions which I believe will pave the way for understanding and potentially reconciliation.

I will give you the four statements then elaborate on them. Cut and paste these statements into your phone somewhere so you can get to them the next time you need them.

• I really hate to see us in conflict but I am committed to doing my part in resolving this.

• Are we going to get past this?

• Are you committed to this relationship?

• Are you willing to discuss a "middle ground" position that we can both live with?

I think it's important to state upfront your interest in resolving the issue. Secondly, you need to gauge the seriousness of the issue by asking the person if they feel the two of you are able to get past this problem.

Asking if they are committed to the relationship puts them on notice that you believe this is an important discussion and it deserves a commitment to resolve it.

Finally, asking if the person is willing to work honestly toward common ground and resolution stakes them  to commit to finding a solution.

All that is left is discussing the common ground (the areas where you are in agreement). Most of us never get to that point because we are dealing with our hurt and emotions rather than trying to solve the problem. It is helpful for both parties to get on the same side of the table facing the problem instead of confronting each other and treating each other as the problem.

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Help us to carry out our conflicts with those we love with respect and dignity and mutual concern. Amen.